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Sunday, January 17, 2010

Healthy and Unhealthy Relationships, Part Two
Second in a Series on Love, Relationships, Marriage and Sexuality: Insights from the Bible

By Rev. Dr. Harvey C. Martz

II Samuel 11:1 – 5 New Revised Standard Version

¹ In the spring of the year, the time when kings go out to battle, David sent Joab with his officers and all Israel with him; they ravaged the Ammonites, and besieged Rabbah. But David remained at Jerusalem. ² It happened, late one afternoon, when David rose from his couch and was walking about on the roof of the king's house that he saw from the roof a woman bathing; the woman was very beautiful. ³ David sent someone to inquire about the woman. It was reported, "This is Bathsheba daughter of Eliam, the wife of Uriah the Hittite." ⁴ So David sent messengers to get her, and she came to him, and he lay with her. (Now she was purifying herself after her period.) Then she returned to her house. ⁵ The woman conceived; and she sent and told David, "I am pregnant."

We are in the third week of our series on Love, Relationships, Marriage and Sexuality, and I am humbled and inspired by the volume of stories and Emails that I am getting from you.  I am getting stories about what is working for you as a couple and some painful stories of relationships that have not been healthy.  I will be sharing a couple of those this morning, without names, but with the permission of the writer.

Last week we began with stories from children about what love is, and if you were not with us, I urge you to look at the web site for that sermon or pick up a printed copy this morning.

Today we have a couple of stories from kids about how you should decide who to marry.  I need to warn you that there are a couple of male children in this account who have a very patriarchal view of life.  I am not endorsing that, by any means, but just giving you fair warning!

• Ten year old Allen is one of those.  How do you decide whom to marry?  “You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff.  Like if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports and she should keep the chips and dip coming.”  We hope that Allen, when he is older, has a more egalitarian view of marriage and catches on that he might be able to fix his own chips and dip.
• Ten year old Camille says about the question, what is the right age to get married?  “Twenty three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then!” 
• Eight year old Derrick answers the question, how can a stranger tell if two people are married?  “You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids!”
• Eight year old Lori answers the question, what do you think your mom and dad have in common?  “Both don’t want any more kids.”
• And eight year old Lynette dealt with the question, what do most people do on a date?  “Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other.  Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.”

Since we have been focusing these past few weeks on love and relationships, I have been interested to note a lot of press coverage about those topics!  USA Today, on Thursday, featured a new book by Unitarian minister and chaplain, Kate Braestrup.  Her book is called Marriage and Other Acts of Charity.  In the interview, she is asked to give couples, who are in a rocky relationship, a bit of hope.  She says, “Loving anyone turns out to be surprisingly and obviously simple.  For two decent people having a hard time, the gestures of love might be as simple as coming home and making a cup of tea for her or him, taking care of each other or taking care of their bodies.  A lot is just giving in, standing up and helping them do what they want to do.  Don’t think you always have to win.”

And the new book that has gotten the most notice in the past three weeks is titled Committed by Elizabeth Gilbert author of the best selling Eat Pray Love.  I finished reading Committed on Monday and we have pulled some quotes that are on the quote sheet in your bulleting insert.

I like very much what she says about infatuation and the difference between that and a mature love and commitment.  The Bible calls that more mature love, agape, and it is the sort of love described in I Corinthians 13 that is our call to worship today. 

“Infatuation is the most perilous aspect of human desire…infatuation alters your brain chemistry as though you were dousing yourself with opiates and stimulants.  The problem with infatuation is that it’s a mirage, a trick of the eye….infatuation is not the same thing as love; it’s more like love’s shady second cousin.  Psychologists call that state of deluded madness “Narcissistic love.”  I call it “my twenties.”

As I mentioned, I have received several painful and inspiring Emails from church members about their personal and spiritual journeys.

One woman wrote:

“My first marriage was terrible.  I knew it when I was walking down the aisle to marry my first husband, but I didn’t know how to turn around and leave.  Our relationship was abusive both mentally and physically.  I think he was probably cheating on me when we were dating and married, but he never would own up to it.  I wanted to leave but the pastor at our church told me that if I did, I would go to hell and never see my child again. {Here is an instance of when church leaders have been completely wrong about relationships and marriage and male dominance.  We will talk more next week about this tragedy}.  When I told the pastor he was hitting me, the pastor simply reminded me that my husband was “the head of the household” and was doing his best. {This is awful, awful advice.}  I stopped going to church and decided to leave the marriage.  I was already in hell.  It took me five years, but I finally left the marriage.”

This woman is happily married now and we will hear from her again toward the end of the sermon.

The scripture reading we heard from today tells us one of the most familiar stories from the Bible about infatuation and about unfaithfulness and adultery, and as it unfolds, it tells us about the painful and tragic consequences of adultery and unfaithfulness for King David.  King David lived 1000 years before Christ.  It was from King David’s family lineage that the Messiah was eventually to come and that was the case.  You may remember that from the Christmas stories, a few weeks ago, because Joseph was from the lineage of King David.

David was outwardly, at least, the most successful of all the kings of Israel and was revered by many.  He had been victorious over Israel’s traditional enemies.  He had united the twelve tribes and had moved the political and religious capital of Israel to Jerusalem.  He was at the height of his power when his lust for Bathsheba, whom he saw from a distance, caused him to bring her to his palace where they both betrayed their marriage vows.  The story got worse, because when she was pregnant, David tried to pretend that she had conceived the child by her husband.  David tried to manipulate the events so that he could be believed, but he was dealing with the husband of Bathsheba who had more integrity than David.   It is a powerful and painful story that you can read for your self.  It is this event of infidelity that triggers the downfall of David from that time forward.

The story shows us the dangers of hubris/arrogance/egocentricity, and it shows us why the commandment about staying faithful to your spouse is very important, why there is a commandment warning against adultery.

Is there hope after there has been an act of infidelity in a relationship?  Most marriage counselors tell us that most couples can rebuild if they want to after a betrayal of trust.  It takes time and the healing is helped immensely by being in counseling and looking at how and why that betrayal occurred.  It takes a lot of work and pain and tears and honesty and vulnerability, but most people can rebuild after an incidence of infidelity, if both partners want to.

Here is what another woman from our congregation wrote.

“The most important thing about surviving infidelity is a commitment to forgive.  There are so many layers of forgiveness.   I believe it actually takes a personal commitment to see yourself and your relationship through the process.  And the commitment to forgive must be from both parties.  A new relationship can be formed, and I believe a stronger one at that.  I am not condoning infidelity.  However a marriage can survive it.  I am proof.”

Can we just take a moment of silence to pray for the ongoing success of that couple—and for other couples who may be on that same important and painful journey?

Why are some people open to an affair and willing to betray their vows of commitment?  You might be surprised by the answer from two counselors.  Dr. Susan Johnson says this in an article in Psychology Today from a year ago.

“Among people who have affairs, they don’t do so because their sex lives are boring.  I’ve never had anyone come into my office and tell me they had an affair because they were bored in bed.  They have affairs because they are lonely, because they can’t connect with their partner.  Then someone else smiles at them and makes them feel special and valued, and suddenly they are in this strange situation where they are committed to one person but find themselves responding to another.

Passion is like everything else, it ebbs and flows.  But sex is always going to be boring if it is one dimensional, cut off from emotional connection.  On the other hand, if you are emotionally involved, sex has a hundred dimensions to it, and is as much play as passion.” (Susan Johnson, “Hold Me Tight,” Psychology Today, January 2009.)

Dr. John Gottman says something similar in his book, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work that I commend to you.  You’ll find it on our bookshelves.

“Trysts are not usually about sex but about seeking friendship, support, understanding, respect attention, caring and concern—the kinds of things that marriage is supposed to offer.”

By the way, Gottman says that he can tell by observing a couple in the first five minutes of a conflict whether they are likely to stay together or not.  What he looks for are destructive behaviors he calls, “the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.”  This term comes from the Book of Revelations in the Bible.

The Four Horsemen are: criticism (different from offering a grievance or complaint—something more chronic), contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling.  He also talks about how destructive sarcasm can be from a spouse when trying to deal with a verbal conflict.  And he has some wonderful exercises in his book for a couple who wants to strengthen their relationship.

How do we stay healthy and connected as couples?  I’m sure you know most of what I am about to say.  

• Stay friends with one another.  
• Listen and pay attention to one another.  One of my favorite poets, Mary Oliver says, “This is the first and wildest and wisest thing that I know: the soul does exist and it is built entirely out of attentiveness.”  Attentiveness to each other, attentiveness to God, I would add. 
• Take time with each other. It is so easy to take each other for granted.  Is there a date night each week or every couple of weeks for you as a couple?  I especially worry for our couples with small children where the parenting is so challenging and most of the time is spent caring for other people’s needs and not your own.  There must be a balance for a relationship to survive.  We know that from our own marriage when our children were small. 
• Share the power in the marriage or the partnership.  One person can’t be in charge.  That is the danger of what the wrongheaded pastor told the woman I quoted earlier.  And, by the way, here is the rest of what that woman wrote after she told me about her tragic first marriage.  She is happily married now to someone who values her and is a true partner.

She wrote at the end of her Email these two pieces of advice.  “Number one: put your spouse first.  This doesn’t mean ignore your kids, but your spouse should be your priority when at all possible.  Number two: don’t let the sex go out of your marriage.  It’s important.”

Another counsel about creating a healthy relationship – use the Guidelines for Enhancing Communication with Those You Love by Bonnie J. Messer, Ph.D., found in the bulletin.  These define your rights as a member of a couple.  Dr. Messer is a marriage and family counselor in our community and has offered classes and workshops on couple’s communication in several churches.

One more bit of counsel – have a focus, as a couple, that is outside your self.  Your church can be part of that focus.  Just remember that it is not healthy to be all absorbed in just your own family.  Not only will your family benefit but the other person or group or ministry, upon which you choose to focus, will benefit as well.

Let me offer two examples of an outreach focus from two very different families and couples.  Many of you have seen, as did Judy and I, the film, The Blindside, about football player Michael Oher.  This is the true story of Sean and Leigh Ann Touhy, a couple living in Memphis Tennessee, who met Michael when he had just started at the same private school in Memphis where their children attended.  He was full of potential and so disadvantaged and terribly deprived in his family and educational background.  The Touhy family welcomed him, made a place for him in their home, helped him discover his potential, took some risks for him, and of course, the result is that he is a successful player for the Baltimore Ravens National Football League team.  This is all because of a couple and family that were not just centered on their own selves.

The other story has a bit more history.  You read about the death this week in Amsterdam of 100 year old Miep Gies.  Mr. and Mrs. Gies also took enormous risks to do the right thing.  From 1942 to 1944 they helped to shelter, in an upstairs hiding place, the family of Anne Frank.  Miep Gies would travel each week to several grocery stores so that it would not be apparent that she was buying a great deal of food for several persons.  She and her husband did what they knew was right.  She later refused to be characterized as a hero.  She said she just did the right thing.  The risks they took were incredible because in the Nazi regime anyone who sheltered or protected a Jew was subject to death.

And of course Miep Gies was the one who protected and saved Anne Frank’s diary so that after her death and after the war was over, Ann’s father could recover it and make it available to the world.

Is there an outreach focus in your family?  All will benefit.

Let me preview next week for you.  The church over the centuries has been wrong about many things.  Sexuality is one of those.  The scripture reading we will hear next week from the Song of Songs/Song of Solomon is one of the most embarrassing resources for many church leaders in history.  You have probably never heard it read in a church service!  It is a book of romantic poetry, erotic poetry.  I encourage you to read it in a modern translation, not the King James Version.  Read instead the New Revised Standard or Good News Bible, and we will talk more next week about God’s good gift of sexuality.

God, you have created us not for loneliness but for us to be in relationship with one another and with you.  Help us to keep learning how to love, how to forgive, and how to cherish and honor each other.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                          Amen.