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Sunday, January 31, 2010
The Road:
Part 3 What to Unpack; Anger, Resentment and Envy
By Rev. Jerry Herships
Ephesians 4:31-32
31Put away from you all bitterness and wrath and anger and wrangling and slander, together with all malice, 32and be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ has forgiven you.
Galatians 5:26
26Let us not become conceited, competing against one another, envying one another.
We are moving into the third part of a four part series. We have discussed the road we are on, what we are driving to get us down the road, how to keep ourselves fueled up and ready to go and we looked at the things that point us in the right direction and show us the right path to get us where we want to be.
For the next two weeks we are going to look at those things we want to take with us as we move on down the road we call life and we are going to look at the things we want to leave behind. This week we are just going to focus on those things that we might be willing to leave by the side of the road, the things that weight us down on the trip and things that burden us as we make our way.
I know there are probably lots of things that weigh us down, things that make traveling cumbersome and quite frankly, less fun. I am only going to focus on three things, that in my experience, I would just as soon not pack. Those things are Anger…Resentment…Envy.
Looking at anger we see nothing that comes as a big surprise. Anger has been at the core of lousy trips through life since the dawn of time. Our letter to the Ephesians tells us to “put away” anger. It gives us a very good reason. Be kind to each other as God is kind to us. If we are truly to model Christ like behavior, kindness must be at the center.
I wish it was that simple. Actually, it is that simple. The thing is it’s not easy. So much of the time, these days, I find the things that make me angry are really not those things about which I am SAYING I am angry. I think this is true for most people. It is never about what it looks like it is about. When I realize this is the case with me and I assume that is the case with most people, I tend to cut folks a little more slack. I realize I probably have NO idea what is going on in their life and that the anger that I am seeing might be directed at me…but probably isn’t completely about me. By cutting folks a little more slack, I am doing something that is at the core of leading a Christ like life.
Cutting people slack when they don’t deserve it goes by another name, Grace. Grace is giving people forgiveness when they don’t deserve it. To meet Anger with grace is one of the most loving things we can do. This also means that we need to be willing to be happy instead of being right. This again is simple but not easy. Even though it is not easy, it is our choice. I say we need to leave anger by the side of the road. It is the first thing we need to unpack.
Resentment is the second cousin of anger. It literally means, "that which is hatched by heat.” It is usually the heat of anger which sits under the surface. This is another reason why we need to release anger because if we don’t it can sit under the surface and hatch at a later time. Resentment is the slow burn of anger. We often think of anger as being sudden bursts. Resentment is anger on an installment plan.
The sad thing is that you can be resentful towards someone and they may never know. You know who will know? You’ll know. More often than not, it is the person that is holding the resentment that truly suffers. The people who were unjust sometimes don’t even know they did anything wrong at all. In the mean time, you are growing your very own ulcer. This is not the abundant life that Jesus wants for us.
Talk about a guy that had every right to be angry and resentful. I think we often feel resentment when we feel we aren’t appreciated. Few people in history were less appreciated than Jesus. And yet, he released resentment and anger. From the CROSS Jesus tells us, “forgive them Lord, they know not what they do.” This is the ultimate act of unpacking resentment and anger. Leave resentment behind and you will find the trip a whole lot lighter.
I heard Darryl Burton speak last week. He was recently exonerated after being wrongly imprisoned for 24 years. He came and spoke at St. Andrew on forgiveness. He said he wanted to be better not bitter.
Last but not least is Envy. Paul’s letter to Galatians points this out specifically. Envy goes by a more biblical name, Coveting. This is not wanting something that someone else has. If I see a person with a 1967 corvette convertible (one of the greatest cars ever) and I think to myself, “Wow I want a car just like that,” that is not envy or coveting. To envy or covet means you want WHAT someone else has. It isn’t just having something similar; it is getting that thing that the other person has. It is two parts: you get it and the other person does not.
This can be very heavy as you roll down the trip called life. It is a full time job keeping up with the Jones. Always wanting what someone else has. It is the polar opposite of contentment and I think God wants us to have contentment. That would mean that being envious and coveting is the opposite of God’s will for our lives.
When I was doing comedy I remember hearing Bob Goldwaith saying he doesn’t like to hang around other comics. He said that no matter how good he was doing, when he sat around with other comics, he always felt like he should be doing more. He caught himself coveting and being envious of other comic’s careers. For his own health he realized he needed to STOP COMPARING HIMSELF TO OTHERS. We also always seem to compare ourselves to those doing BETTER than we are. Enjoy YOUR trip. It is not like anyone else’s and besides the happiest people are ENJOYING THEIR TRIP. I find some of my deepest misery comes when I compare myself with others.
To make our trip as fun and light and exciting as possible, we need to unpack and leave three things on the side of the road.
We need to choose not to be angry and realize that it is often not what we think it is about. When we do this we realize that cutting people slack is the better thing to do. We offer them grace.
We need to release resentment. We need to let go of those long standing things that have been making us angry for a long time but we have decided to keep them under the surface. They are doing more harm to us than to anyone we hold resentment towards.
Three, we need to stop the envy. Drop comparing ourselves to others. It is far more useful to count our blessings. The truth is we never know anyone’s full story anyway. Are you SURE their life is better? This comparing ourselves to others can sometimes lead us to pretending to be something we are not. The French author and moralist, Francois de La Rochefoucauld, who wrote in the 1600’s, said that we are so accustom to disguising ourselves to others that in the end we become disguised to ourselves. When we stop comparing ourselves to others, the envy stops, too. The desire to be someone we aren’t stops as well. We embrace our true selves, our authentic selves.
Laura gave me a piece of art this Christmas that says, “To be authentic. No greater goal or more difficult task.”
None of this unpacking is going to be easy, but it is worth it. And when it is done, you will find there is plenty of room to pack some really good stuff.
And that will be what we discuss next week in the final leg of our journey down the road.